I cannot explain it.
For a few days now, I've felt an overwhelming feeling to cry creeping up on me.
Even as I sit here, I feel like if I just released it, I'd start crying and from inside whatever has a stronghold would be released. However, I don't know what it is.
I suspect it is a menagerie of things like being worried about what the upcoming school year is going to look like. What my engagement with my Young Life girls will look like. Will I return to a regular routine at work before the end of the year. What about my dogs who are loving the fact I'm home with them, what are they going to feel if I have to up-end their new routine. Will my daughter be able to get her driver's license, something everyone looks forward to at sixteen.
My heart is burdened with sadness as plans to be with family have been postponed, cancelled or upended. I miss my family, and since the majority of them do not live on the West Coast, it's nearly impossible to plan a trip to see them.
And the tears begin to build.
And then... in the quiet of my morning, I look out the front window. Our rule of thumb is I lower it in the morning so the sun doesn't beat in and the house remains cool. Today, I wanted sunshine, I needed sunshine. We have central air, I can turn that on later. The sun beating through the window, my heart heavy and I look out the window.
The window faces east and the Blue Mountains are there looking back at me. And there she is.
A hummingbird, hovering. Not over the feeder, I've left for her so that she will visit. She is hovering over the lavender I moved to the front porch to keep it from the heat of the day on the back patio.
I stop typing and watch her for a moment. How she is flapping those wings with all her might and yet, so gracefully perches above the lavender and takes the nectar from the lavender with such beauty, balance and grace.
And Jesus whispers. Why are you so overwhelmed with worry when I take care of such simple things for the birds. I have not turned away, I have not turned my back. I remain with you in these times of worry and uncertainty. Lay it at my feet. Lay it all here and let it go.
Release the tears and be done.
And the need to cry is less and my heart feels fuller.
He isn't going to let my world turn upside down on its head, even when the rest of the world appears to be doing so. He promises to remain faithful, to remain near to remain with me.
We are in a pandemic. I've never been here before, however, I know I hope to never see one again. And yet, in this season Jesus is doing amazing things in my heart, with my soul, about my focus.
God is present. God is providing and God is presenting day after day reminders, He's got this and I simply need to let go and let Him work in it.
When I googled What does a hummingbird symbolize in the bible? this was replied, "While there is no direct mention of hummingbirds in the Bible, they are sometimes considered to be a messenger from Heaven, gently nudging us to move on and release the burden of people or things that have passed and can no longer be a part of our lives."
"Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.” Matthew 13:32