So you can imagine how defeating it is when one tries with all their might to find the right words to share the feelings and the person you are speaking to hears you... but doesn't listen.
There is a difference. I feel, when someone truly hears you, they hear your cry from the heart, not just the words from your mouth. They don't just hear the words, they see you struggle in getting them out. And they don't just listen and tell you they agree one hundred percent just to make you A. either drop the subject or B. change the subject. C. move on from the subject
I am an emotional disaster. God is really putting the phrase "He will only give you as much as you can handle" to the test. I'm feeling defeated & my heart aches. It isn't one worry, it is many. But one very close to home which I'm trying to communicate. I'm feeling very much that to protect myself from further emotional combustion I must filter what I share, because the one I'm sharing with is listening, but truly isn't hearing me.
I am going through a process right now, a class which is taking me back to a childhood situation, which was very very painful. In this situation, I asked for help. I cried for help, I begged for someone to hear me. They chose to ignore my cries and put their own feelings, situation and priorities first. This morning as tears roll down my cheeks, I'm that little girl crying from the inside, I NEED YOU TO HEAR ME. I don't just need you to listen to the words, I need to know you hear me. I need your actions to speak louder than the words "I agree" I do not feel I'm being heard. And it isn't by choice that I'm closing up, it is the "flight or fight" in me, I'm choosing the flight over fight. Is it the right choice? I believe it is. I am not going to fight for someone to hear me, that is a choice that is far more painful, this I know.
In my nutshell this morning: My heart is feeling defeated & unprotected, as a parent and step-parent I feel I've got expectations that are too high, as a wife I feel like I'm falling short, and as a Christian I'm seeking God to fill me with Himself and help me to clean up my messy self. I'm that little girl who wants to make it all better for everyone else, so I stuff all my "mess" deeper down and try to mindfully seek God's intervention in helping me sort through it, because I know that He truly is listening, and hearing me. And I'm trusting that He will move through me today and provide opportunity to see HE IS HERE and HE WILL HEAL & PROTECT this heart. PSALMS 51:10 Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit in me