Why does it never play out quite like you've played it out in your head? HUMPH!
I went in and described to the nurse that I have fibrocystic breast. I'm very up on my self exams and know my body/breasts. I have two spots that are questionable, one is a bit familiar, the other not common for me.
(*My cousin, who I shared my concern with .....who two weeks ago (who also has fibrocystic breast.. thank you Smith gene!) had a double mastectomy, after she was diagnosed with cancer - encouraged me to go to the doctor, not later NOW. I called that day and was at the doctor the next.)
ANYWAY, as I shared, fairly certain it would be routine and nothing to be concerned about. The doctor comes in to seek information and we chat. In the past I've had questionable pap smears. He inquires on family history of colon cancer... UMM WHAT? I'm here to have my breast checked how did we travel South so quickly? He smiles, a doctor smile and tells me "We are doing a full exam today and we'll address all concerns" CONCERNS?? Its a lump and I'm sure it's nothing and where did the word COLON and CANCER come from please just let's get this over with.
I'm left in the room with a gown, as they weren't prepared I'm also with the nurse as well...I've had two children, it is not any big deal for me to have her in the room as I change. None of this is a big deal, it's all routine.
It was a bit of a "big deal" when I glanced over at myself in the mirror. I knew I'd fallen short in my exercise, it's been cold (excuse), we've been busy (excuse) and it's too dark in the morning and evening to get out (excuse). The image staring back at me was like a finger shaking and saying "Did you expect Kelly Ripa when you live like Rosanne ?" UGGG
That imagine in my head I began beating myself up for falling short. I then proceded to try and ecourage telling myself GET IT TOGETHER. You have ONE BODY. YOU HAVE ONE LIFE and YOU HAVE ONCE CHANCE... get it RIGHT.
The nurse leaves. I sit there staring back at the mirror, I wanted to climb off that table and open my gown to just make sure it wasn't the lights or angle that made me look so "unhealthy". I sat there and I thought about things. I'm fairly healthy, most of the time. I mean, I do try. "Try" ..... I'm not someone who just try's, who does just enough to get by. I'm someone who takes pride in what I do, I do it right and I do it as best I can. So why am I sitting her in this body for which I've allowed to go in a direction I'm not proud of. DEEP BREATH. A thought, God blessed me with a healthy body - TAKE CARE OF IT. Walk away from all the candy! (that's my weakness!) Bread isn't my friend, as a matter of fact when I eat it, often times while smiling and enjoying every bite I'm left with a bit of a belly ache later. WHY? Why don't I realize my body is saying no thank you? God has blessed me with a healthy body, I MUST TAKE CARE OF IT.
Everyone returns, my thoughts go from "stupid bread" to I feel like I'm at a car garage as the tools bang around in the drawer below me. Doctor does his thing and reminds me he'll call in a few days with the results, "whatever they are". Done down South, thank you!
Now up to the issue area. Right side, nothing - as I expected. Left side yep, yep, okay right here? Yep, I feel it. feeling, feeling, feeling. "Okay get dressed and I'll be right back."
I dress and I'm not going to lie, I took the opportunity to look back in the mirror, SIGH. It did not lie. I looked directly at myself and said "Get it together, you are much better than this!"
Dressed and waiting.
Doctor comes in and pulls up the stool... never a good sign I don't feel. If he has to sit, he's trying to come to your level to comfort you. He inquires on a history of breast cancer. I share my cousin recently had a mastectomy. "The lumps you feel, I feel them too, they are palpable and I want an mammogram on the left side as soon as possible. WHAT. WHAT???? He goes on to say if we need to do an ultra sound or MRI to confirm what it is, we'll move forward and do that, but for now, a mammogram as soon as possible. Walking me out, helping the nurse to make the appointment and wishing me well... "See you Monday."
As I walked out to my car I thought to myself "this did not go as planned." I fully intended to be leaving early and heading to lunch. At which point I remembered the imagine in the mirror and I felt a bit of a sinking feeling. I'm not sure if it was the reality that there actually could be something going on, or the guilt of not taking better care of that image in the mirror. I drove home, had a healthy lunch and made a promise to take better care of myself, to walk away from sweets and jalapeno cheese bread (which I loveeee). I'm going to walk the stairs on my break (which are INSIDE!) until the weather is better, I am going to live a life with NO MORE EXCUSES and much more WILL POWER..... God gave me a gift in a healthy body and I've neglected to take care of it, not anyone else, Donna Marie.
So as I sit here thinking about yesterday, I pray for a number of things - peace not to worry, God's hand over me in whatever the outcome is, Doctors to have knowledge and insight, will power to walk away, mindfulness on how I treat my body, and gratefulness for the body I have. It may not "look" like I wanted in that mirror, but I'm able to change that with healthy eating, movement and mindful thinking.
I am thankful for my cousin, who encouraged & motivated me (pretty much YOU WILL or I WILL KICK YOUR BUTT) to seek a doctors confirmation it is "nothing" and thankful for a doctor who is proactive, who truly listens and who I know will be on top of whatever it is, big or small. And so grateful for a God who I may confide my fears, seek His comfort and ask to grant me the mindfulness to take care of the gift He has given me.