Humm I wrote that I thought to myself is it self worth that I am grateful for or a Lord that allows me to "check myself, before I wreck myself"?
I am THAT GIRL. The one who has struggled with her weight her entire life. Oh stop right there those of you saying WHAT? It is true. I'm not someone who can eat what I want, when I want and not exercise. I have to watch EVERYTHING, I have to exercise and, I have to REMIND MYSELF - and I can admit this, (nearly daily) that I am made just as God wanted me. To beat myself up about things isn't positive or healthy. SO thankful that I have a God (and family!) who love me no matter what the scale says.
So why then, do I allow the scale to determine my day, each morning when I step on it? Is it because there was a time when I was at a certain weight and I felt best? Well, somewhat.
After high school I left for a year and moved to the East Coast to be a nanny. While there I met friends and our weekends consisted of pizza and beer ~ and well not much else, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of it. It was reality.
I would get on the scale and it would say XXX. A few weeks later I'd get on it and it would say XX5.. I'd think oh well 5 pounds. A few weeks later I'd climb on X10, and I'd think "It's only 5 pounds" * because it was from the previous time. And so went this cycle. It wasn't pretty. Clothes became tight, I became unhealthy and then I heard the truth. "You gained a some weight didn't you?" TRANSLATION to what I heard: "You are F A T". Gasssspppppp what? Fat? That is a mean word, what do you mean I'm fat I've only gained 5 pounds....ok reality was almost 35 but whatever! What... I'm "fat"??? Perhaps it wouldn't have stung so much had it not been someone I love who said it, and I know they didn't mean it hurtfully - it was brutally honest. I had gained "some" weight.
My cousin was getting married and I had to wear a teal taffeta dress (Thanks Amy!) and I looked like a Stay Puff Marshmallow in it. My cheeks were round and fluffy, my hands puffy, everything "soft and squishy". When I look back at these photos I wanna crawl into a hole. UGGG... mostly disappointed in myself that I didn't take better care of myself and that I allowed myself to get to that place.
It was shortly after that dress disaster that I began walking, a lot. Daily. The weight started to come off, and my health started to improve. I began to feel a bit better about myself.
There have been seasons in my life, where time allowed me to be selfish and run or walk daily, sometimes a few times a day. It was at these times in life I felt best about myself. I don't know that it was so much because of a number on the scale, but an overall feeling of accomplishment. In knowing that I was taking the best care of my body I could. I was proud! I'd eat right, exercise, avoid things that aren't deemed healthy. I felt good! I was proud of how well I was taking care of myself, of my body. The body God gave me.
And there have been seasons where time isn't "mine", the days are dark in the morning and at night. I'm busy with kids, family, work and home. I don't have that selfish "me time" and I tend to allow those "ugly" feelings and thoughts to creep in....Which I am not proud to admit this, I'm at that cross road today.
I say cross road because I know today, something I haven't always known. Today I know that if I want to feel better about myself it is up to me! And I am also able to do something else I've not always been able to do. ACCEPT WHO GOD HAS CREATED ME TO BE.... Wonderfully Made!
This morning as I stood on the scale I thought to myself "Why do I allow myself to get off track"... I beat myself up for a few minutes and then I climbed the stairs to the kitchen. Upon arriving I stood there coffee with fat free creamer in hand and I thought YOU ARE WONDERFULLY MADE..... YOU HAVE A HEALTHY BODY..... YOU CAN MAKE CHANGES TO YOUR ATTITUDE....YOU CAN FIND TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. Candy corn season is over, you need not feel obliged to partake in all the goodies people give you, take an apple.! You walk on your lunch hour, even if it is 30 minutes that is more than doing nothing. You take the stairs up and down how many times a day, its little but it adds up. You have the choice to make healthy choices. You will your spirit and soul with positive encouraging words, fill your body and mind with them as well - YOU have a God who has created you Beautifully & Wonderfully. He loves you just as you are.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalms 139:13-16
When I think about it, really think about it. I suspect it is guilt and disappointment in myself that brings me to that "ugly" place. I have this healthy body which God has blessed me with, which I feel I'm not taking care of it the best I can.
I shouldn't let the numbers on the scale determine my self worth, I should use them to encourage me to be reminded I am strong, I am able and I am beautiful inside and out, just as God has made me. I should step off that scale and be reminded those numbers do not determine my self worth, the scale is a tool for reminding me TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. That doesn't mean shoot for a number or a goal (for me). It means where you feel your healthiest, hover there and check yourself just as you do in other areas. You check your gas gage, you check your oil, you look to see if there is enough coffee for morning. The scale is a tool for checking, not determining your self worth. Sometimes we need helpful reminders to get on track, not unhealthy images of ourselves because of a number.
Today I am thankful that God has made me just as He designed and I'm thankful that I am able to step back and see that I AM WONDERFULLY MADE. I AM WORTHY of His love and it doesn't matter what that scale says, I am His.