My boat full and often times feeling as though it is filling with water & nursing a slow leak along the way I get so wrapped up in me me me - I neglect to see the storms others are navigating through. Which was the case with my husband.
We both have stresses right now. Buying a house, selling a house, raising a family, trying to balance finances, the world calling with "their ways" and us being challenged and standing firm in God's ways... it all adds up. And when one of us (ME) get's so focused on my own junk, I neglect to be mindful and sensitive to the fact my husband, he has stresses, moments and storms of his own.
I'm exhausted this morning - we had a misunderstanding before bed, for which we both got upset, feelings were hurt and HUMPH... I wanted so desperately to get a good nights rest as I'm running on very little sleep right now... it really should not surprise me that the devil reared his ugly head and in doing so, I allowed him to place hurt and frustration upon my heart which kept me up all night. I did not allow him to take any ownership in my heart or in the peace & healing I was prayerful about throughout the night asking Jesus to heal us in this place. We woke this morning, both exhausted, frustrated and hurt. GRRRRR I lie there as my husband gets up. It would not show him I love him if I lie there and don't get up and prepare his lunch. What that would say is you aren't important and I'm pouting this out. My husband is important, very important, he is everything. So I get up and head upstairs. He begins to share and I begin to grow frustrated.... here we go again with this thing called communication and we all know how I am a work in progress here. I listen. I don't understand and I grow unsure how to share my feelings, I've prayed over the words all night ALL NIGHT! and I know that whatever comes out of my mouth, it will do so with God's will and offering.
I share. I try and reassure him. I love him. He leaves.. I follow. He is reading his devotions and I patiently wait to share my heart with him. I love my husband with all of my heart... not just the parts that are good and happy & easy, the parts that have to work, must find understanding and must admit wrong as well. I love him deeply. I share with him my heart and we hug. And it helps heal, and we share more conversation and we pray and we love and we seek understanding in the mess.
I do not like confrontation, ever. I'm not a fighter, yeller, screamer or a person who keeps track of "but you....." I am someone who truly wants to understand if I've hurt someone, upset them or in any way caused question with my intention. I am grateful for my relationship with Jesus and His ever present words of encouragement, acknowledgement and guidance. Last night I kept hearing "there are a million doors to go through each day, which one will you choose? Anger? Hurt? Frustration? Healing? Unconditional Love? Peace? Joy? It is a choice I make. This morning, I walked through the door of unconditional love, which lead me to healing, which lead me to my husband who I love and adore beyond words. This morning I'm knocking on the door and asking God "Make us mindful of one another, make our hearts open to see one another's needs, desires, hurts and shortcomings. Remind us Jesus that you are our foundation and when we first come to you, we have come to the door that opens all doors" Thank you Jesus for my amazing husband who is teaching me, communication isn't always easy, but it is always worth it.