I find that I am fairly good at following directions, and when I'm unsure I read signs or turn on the GPS. I'm not so stubborn that I'm one of those gals who drives around going miles out of my way because "I know where I'm going... I think".
So it does sometimes surprise me that I allowed myself to take control of the direction of my life, knowing full well along the way that God was pointing me to go another way.
I've made mistakes. I have made plenty. There was a time in my life when I believed ... Okay, I don't even know if I believed, more like I talked myself into... that I was doing the right thing for me. God was there in it. He was clearly there. I'm someone who has been prayerful and dependent on God's leading and direction most of, if not all of my adult life. I believe with all my heart and always have, He has a plan for me. So ironic as I reflect back to see myself ignoring him, doing what I wanted, feeling like "we" were in control. HA... there wasn't any "we" in any of it. It was completely "me".
I have been in a few situations - which I knew from the start really they weren't situations God would have chosen for me. As I reflect back today, I can see from the very onset I was not where I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to be with, what I was supposed to be doing. God was throwing up signs along the way, STOP! U TURN! RUN! DO NOT ENTER! They were all there. I saw them, but I chose to ignore them. I thought I knew something - I thought I knew better. WOW... was I wrong.
Although God was putting up RE DIRECTION signs, I was going down my path, merrily along... bumps, bruises, hurt along the way. But it was alright, I'd work through it. Yeah, not so much. It was only when I realized that I AM NOT ABLE and that I NEED DIRECTION did I really get it. God didn't just re direct me, he rebuilt me. He started with my heart and filling it completely with HIM. I desired that and He knew it, it was only a matter of my asking Him, HELP ME, FILL ME, LEAD ME. He was there, without a moment to waste. In the situations He didn't throw up signs, He became a barricade. He put himself between me and the situation, He was bigger than the situation and He was leading me to a completely different road.
My desire has always been to be in a relationship with God first and a partner second. God knew my desire and He knew that the situations I had been in were not the situations that would fill that desire. God removed me from them, and moved me closer to Him. It was incredible the overwhelming love, security and peace I felt when I let go of it all and waited on God. To spend time with Him, to allow Him to heal my heart, to open my eyes, to redirect my direction. To follow Him where He wanted me to be. When I completely trusted God, He lead me back to Him. He lead me to a new church, new friends, new activities. He healed hurts with my family, He healed my hurts and reminded me how much love surrounded me. I had two incredible children who filled my heart, I need not seek someone "outside" to do that. And I had a God who filled all my desires.
God knew that I was making choices which would not be healthy for me or my children in the long run. He opened my eyes and heart to that, to Him and to my children. He shined bright on them and reminded me... where your heart is, so there is your treasure. My children, they are my treasure! With God, my situations changed, the way I spent my time changed, the desire to pull my children closer grew greater. God again, placed barricades up where needed and surrounded me with the treasures I held so dear, my children.
When I let go of the "me journey" and allowed God to lead me on His journey for my life, things began to happen. My life became full, my heart healed, I was full of love and joy. I was complete in Him. Even today as I type this, I ask myself HOW & WHY did I allow myself to go in a direction I knew full well was not what God wanted for me. I believe there were many lessons learned along the way. There was growth in both my personal life and my spiritual life. There was opportunity for God to work in me. Do I believe I needed to journey on my own to come to this place of recognizing how deeply I need God? Not so much. I knew I needed Him all along, I chose to also ignore that.
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
Today as I recall my journey. It is with a heart complete and full of God for which I am most thankful. Thankful that He was seeded so deeply in my heart that my desire to follow His will for my life was much greater than my desire to "go it alone". Do I still veer off course, try and go it alone? Not so much. I am so confident in God's plans for my life, that I pray His will, He desires and His direction over my life. Do I have desires and dreams I'd like him to lead me to along the way, certainly! However, I know that I must give them to Him and allow those journeys to be in His time, His way.